Spiraling
My friend Laine tells me that I've been spiraling recently. It's a great way of saying that I start blaming myself for things that happen and everything snowballs until I think I'm worthless and unlovable. Fun times!
So tonight, I'm spiraling BIG TIME! A friend of mine usually calls every day or so and I generally go into a weird kind of withdrawal when he doesn't call. But yesterday was his birthday and I called to wish him a happy day. But he didn't call me back. I figured he was busy and he'd call me tonight, like he usually does when he leaves work. And now it's 11 p.m. and I haven't heard from him.
Of course, I'm convinced that it's something I've done. I was probably an asshole and didn't realize it. Or I waited too long to call him on his b'day or I told a mutual friend something that shouldn't have been said. (Although, in retrospect, I can't think of a thing I said that was mean. Whereas the other person who knows him felt free to talk about all the ways he drives everyone crazy.) So I just don't get it. Logically I know it's probably not me--that maybe he just doesn't want to talk or he's busy. But man, I feel all sweaty and clammy and nervous and all kinds of icky things I don't want to feel. Because, frankly, I never wanted to care this much that someone would return my phone calls. But now I do. And I don't know what to do.
Men suck.
So tonight, I'm spiraling BIG TIME! A friend of mine usually calls every day or so and I generally go into a weird kind of withdrawal when he doesn't call. But yesterday was his birthday and I called to wish him a happy day. But he didn't call me back. I figured he was busy and he'd call me tonight, like he usually does when he leaves work. And now it's 11 p.m. and I haven't heard from him.
Of course, I'm convinced that it's something I've done. I was probably an asshole and didn't realize it. Or I waited too long to call him on his b'day or I told a mutual friend something that shouldn't have been said. (Although, in retrospect, I can't think of a thing I said that was mean. Whereas the other person who knows him felt free to talk about all the ways he drives everyone crazy.) So I just don't get it. Logically I know it's probably not me--that maybe he just doesn't want to talk or he's busy. But man, I feel all sweaty and clammy and nervous and all kinds of icky things I don't want to feel. Because, frankly, I never wanted to care this much that someone would return my phone calls. But now I do. And I don't know what to do.
Men suck.
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