Complications
I'll be the first one to admit that I'm dramatic. It's even been suggested to me, from time to time, that my life only has drama because I view it that way...that I somehow make everything more complicated than it is because of the way I view a situation.
Pshaw!
But if these critics be correct, I've definitely met my match. Last week I was sitting and chatting with a friend of the opposite sex with whom I've been spending quite a bit of time lately. We hang out about twice a week, chat on the phone (almost daily at one point), spend hours just shooting the shit about life in general. Well, last week we were talking about our favorite subject--relationships. And he starts spurting all this crap about how he doesn't have the money or the time to date. At first I thought it was some kind of message to me, a real "we're not dating, Susie, because I don't have the time or money to date you" kind of dictum. But as he kept talking (and I made snooty faces into the dark night), I realized that he actually believed the things that he was saying. That they weren't lines after all, but things that he's come to view as the absolute truths of dating: he must spend bags of money; he must devote all of his time to the girl; and he must alter his identity to become another person worthy of being in a relationship.
As I listened to this shit pour out of his mouth into the midnight gloom of his front porch, I wondered about how we all make life more complicated that it should be. In my eyes, the only factor keeping this guy and I from "dating" is semantics. We enjoy each other's company. (I assume he wouldn't call and ask me to run errands with him or get dinner if he didn't want to be with me.) We laugh like crazy. We talk about our families, what we want to be when we grow up, the things that drive us nuts about life and people. He once ditched his work friends to help me plant flowers. I have a better relationship with him right now than some people I've known my whole life.
I can see this guy's point, though. Sometimes we get so caught up in the drama of a relationship that we spend too much money on the other person, or we morph ourselves into what we hope they'll love forever. I know in my only real relationship to this point, I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was someone's girlfriend, that I became part of "Susie and Joe" or "Joe's Girlfriend." It was easy to lose my identity in that of the person I dated. It annoyed me. A lot.
But what I don't get is why dating has to be this complicated. I treat this guy like I would any guy. My expectations for him right now aren't much lower than those I'd have for a boyfriend. I don't expect him to pay for me or always pick up the tab. I don't expect him to spend every moment with me. And since I like the person I've come to know, I certainly don't want him to transform into someone else.
I didn't say anything to him (mainly because I'm content with our relationship now and don't want to mess it all up), but not all girls expect these kind of sacrifices from a boyfriend. He must have dated a harpy before, someone who wanted him to be perfect and always stay within the confines of traditional gender roles. But for all my drama, I'm far less complicated. Be nice to me. Call me. Don't stand me up. Don't dick me around. Don't date other people.
I don't know where things are heading with this person. It's always been two steps forward, one step back with him, so I expect he won't call me for a few weeks or we won't see each other for a while. One thing I do know, though, is that I wish I could tell him that dating isn't so hard. That love isn't so complicated. It's not about gifts and fancy dinners, or changing your entire personality to become some kind of ideal that your partner may not be so prone to reject. In the end, it's really just about sharing the affection you feel in your heart. It's about spending time with someone--someone who appreciates you for the burping, bad-joke-telling, terrible driver that you are.
For once, I'd say that life doesn't have to be so dramatic.
Pshaw!
But if these critics be correct, I've definitely met my match. Last week I was sitting and chatting with a friend of the opposite sex with whom I've been spending quite a bit of time lately. We hang out about twice a week, chat on the phone (almost daily at one point), spend hours just shooting the shit about life in general. Well, last week we were talking about our favorite subject--relationships. And he starts spurting all this crap about how he doesn't have the money or the time to date. At first I thought it was some kind of message to me, a real "we're not dating, Susie, because I don't have the time or money to date you" kind of dictum. But as he kept talking (and I made snooty faces into the dark night), I realized that he actually believed the things that he was saying. That they weren't lines after all, but things that he's come to view as the absolute truths of dating: he must spend bags of money; he must devote all of his time to the girl; and he must alter his identity to become another person worthy of being in a relationship.
As I listened to this shit pour out of his mouth into the midnight gloom of his front porch, I wondered about how we all make life more complicated that it should be. In my eyes, the only factor keeping this guy and I from "dating" is semantics. We enjoy each other's company. (I assume he wouldn't call and ask me to run errands with him or get dinner if he didn't want to be with me.) We laugh like crazy. We talk about our families, what we want to be when we grow up, the things that drive us nuts about life and people. He once ditched his work friends to help me plant flowers. I have a better relationship with him right now than some people I've known my whole life.
I can see this guy's point, though. Sometimes we get so caught up in the drama of a relationship that we spend too much money on the other person, or we morph ourselves into what we hope they'll love forever. I know in my only real relationship to this point, I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was someone's girlfriend, that I became part of "Susie and Joe" or "Joe's Girlfriend." It was easy to lose my identity in that of the person I dated. It annoyed me. A lot.
But what I don't get is why dating has to be this complicated. I treat this guy like I would any guy. My expectations for him right now aren't much lower than those I'd have for a boyfriend. I don't expect him to pay for me or always pick up the tab. I don't expect him to spend every moment with me. And since I like the person I've come to know, I certainly don't want him to transform into someone else.
I didn't say anything to him (mainly because I'm content with our relationship now and don't want to mess it all up), but not all girls expect these kind of sacrifices from a boyfriend. He must have dated a harpy before, someone who wanted him to be perfect and always stay within the confines of traditional gender roles. But for all my drama, I'm far less complicated. Be nice to me. Call me. Don't stand me up. Don't dick me around. Don't date other people.
I don't know where things are heading with this person. It's always been two steps forward, one step back with him, so I expect he won't call me for a few weeks or we won't see each other for a while. One thing I do know, though, is that I wish I could tell him that dating isn't so hard. That love isn't so complicated. It's not about gifts and fancy dinners, or changing your entire personality to become some kind of ideal that your partner may not be so prone to reject. In the end, it's really just about sharing the affection you feel in your heart. It's about spending time with someone--someone who appreciates you for the burping, bad-joke-telling, terrible driver that you are.
For once, I'd say that life doesn't have to be so dramatic.
4 Comments:
must...resist...urge...to...link...this...at...his...blog....
he totally doesn't have a blog. or he does, but you have to subscribe to it.
whose side are you on, anyway?
Come on Matt. You think she'd have made this post if there was a chance he would see it?
Which brings up the scenario in which they start dating for real and he finds out about the blog and possibly goes back through the archives and reads this.
Good thing I can delete old posts.
Post a Comment
<< Home